One On The House Page 2

  “I’ve got a beetle coming up in the second race,” Dusty grinned. “I’ll be able to buy a Cadillac so long it’ll need hinges to turn a corner.”

  “Yeah?” Mrs. Feeley was interested.

  “Got it right from the feedbox!”

  “Sell beer over there?” Mrs. Rasmussen asked.

  “Anything you want,” Spud said.

  “Nothing venture, nothing gain!” Miss Tinkham produced her horoscope life-chart. “July sixteenth: Saturday. Favorable! Investment. Games of Chance! New line of earning endeavor…” her voice faded away and she peered anxiously at the chart through her lorgnette.

  “Something disturbing?” Katy asked.

  “Impending disaster for the unwary; make sure properties are covered, leave no loose ends…costly damage later.”

  “Probably nothin’ that a cold beer won’t fix,” Mrs. Feeley said. “Let’s get goin’.”

  “That thing has been right,” Mrs. Rasmussen said glumly.

  “Ah well!” Miss Tinkham said, “The stars impel! They do not compel!”

  Outside the air had lightened and there was a faint breeze.

  “Nice, the taverns so handy,” Mrs. Feeley said.

  “I got goose-bumps on the back o’ my neck like somebody was follerin’ us,” Mrs. Rasmussen said. The ladies turned and in the light of the apartment-house entrance saw the gray little man from the Shamrock Bar.

  “Good evening, mesdames…”

  “What the ruddy hell you mean by follerin’ us home? Who give you license to know where we live at?” Mrs. Feeley doubled up her fist. “Guess you want some more knuckle-puddin’, huh?”

  “Really, lady…” He fished around in his vest pocket for something. “I open safes…”

  “Damn bank-robber!”

  “An escaped convict! Police!” Miss Tinkham lifted her larynx into a note that might have come out of Lily Pons, except that it was in tune.

  “Sh, sh, lady! Please!” the little man whispered. “I’m just trying to get a knock-down to this lady…”

  “I knocked you down once today!” Mrs. Feeley said. “Gettin’ to be a vice with you, huh? We’re mindin’ our business, an’ you’ll find it healthier to do the same. On your way, Creep!”

  The man drew himself up to his full five feet two inches.

  “What do you want to act this way for? I ask for an introduction to this lady—and what do I get? Abused, that’s all. I am a lonely man and I have plenty of money. When I see high-class company like yourselves, what harm is there in offering you some refreshment? Night after night I go to my room and what do I do? Listen to quiz shows. Then I meet a refined lady like this one, and what happens? I am pushed around. Despised.” He handed Mrs. Rasmussen a card, then blew his nose loudly. “The streets are public thoroughfare. I was not aware that all the saloons in greater New York were your private domain. I have no desire to intrude. So I’ll bid you good evening. I know when I’m not wanted.”

  “You don’t need a brick house falling on you, do you?” Mrs. Feeley taunted. “You can take a hint! Go on home! Your mother wants you!”

  “Mesdames.” He lifted his hat. “On Mother’s Day, I wear a white carnation! Good evening.”

  Mrs. Feeley shrugged, then linked arms with Mrs. Rasmussen and Miss Tinkham. “Now we’ve went an’ hurt his feelin’s!”

  “The effrontery of him!” Miss Tinkham said.

  “You sure made a hit.” Mrs. Feeley nudged Mrs. Rasmussen. At the end of the block they entered a crowded, noisy bar and went beyond the bead portieres into the back room where it was relatively quiet. A round table was shoved in front of an upholstered corner seat.

  “Nobody got our table,” Mrs. Rasmussen said.

  “We gotta get down to cases,” Mrs. Feeley said. “Katy an’ Danny been wonderful, but they persuade us too much. We can talk things over better here. Count our money an’…any other little thing we have to do!”

  “More impersonal,” Miss Tinkham agreed.

  “Just how much we got in the kitty, Mrs. Rasmussen? Reckon we’ll make it home?”

  “We ain’t spent much…we got two hundred an’ four dollars an’ thirty-seven cents, not countin’ a couple o’ bucks for beer tonight.”

  “Sure as hell won’t stretch to ridin’ no Pullman home!”

  “Nothin’ but a waste,” Mrs. Rasmussen said. “Them bein’ so snotty an’ all cause the four of us was in one drawin’ room!”

  “Stuffy! So middle-class!” Miss Tinkham said. “With poor dear Old-Timer sleeping all the way across the room…on that narrow little bench against the wall. The bourgeoisie simply cannot seem to realize that there is such a thing as noblesse oblige!”

  “What burned me,” Mrs. Rasmussen said, “was them gettin’ sore about them little ice coils behind that little door above the water cooler in the passageway! Most natural place in the world to store our salami an’ liverwurst! Regular little Frigidaire…an’ then that bean-belly of a conductor!”

  “Ill-chosen! Some of his remarks were definitely ill-chosen!”

  “He was just sore ’cause o’ them four cases o’ beer we had with us…mad at all the company was losin’,” Mrs. Feeley laughed.

  “A Pullman back is a sheer waste of good money,” Miss Tinkham said.

  “What’s the matter with this joint?” Mrs. Feeley reared back and yelled for beer. “Maybe that’s what we like about it. They ain’t always squeezin’ us, grabbin’ the glass from our lips while it’s still half full.” A stout waiter came up with three beers. Mrs. Rasmussen laid out a quarter and a nickel.

  “Later,” he said and put down a basket of pretzels.

  “Nice place,” Mrs. Rasmussen said. “Bring us another round, then go sit down.”

  “We can ride the coaches just as good. I heard they had a coach with reserved seats that tips back like a bed.”

  “Mrs. Rasmussen and I had better go to the station tomorrow and make arrangements,” Miss Tinkham said. “This has been delightful, but I long so for San Diego and the Ark.”

  “Ain’t nothin’ here that you can’t do there better an’ cheaper,” Mrs. Feeley agreed, “but we gotta go to the races with them sailors tomorrow.”

  “San Diego all kinds saloons to go to,” Mrs. Rasmussen said.

  “Now that we seen Katy an’ Danny an’ the baby, I’m ready to go!” Mrs. Feeley said.

  “The hubble-bubble of the city, the mad pursuit of the dollar to the exclusion of everything else is enervating.” Miss Tinkham finished her first beer. “The taut, hard faces of the people full of resentment at anyone with a serene look have inspired me to write a couplet:

  Such asses

  The masses!

  “Say, that’s swell!” Mrs. Feeley said. “This trip’ll sure make us love the comfort an’ luxury o’ the Ark! Gawd, will I be glad to see it!”

  “Ain’t gonna be no luxury,” Mrs. Rasmussen said. “We spent all our money, even cashed our bonds to come up here.”

  Mrs. Feeley nodded soberly.

  “But it was worth it! Have to have a fresh start…we’ll think o’ somethin’…we always do!”

  “Least we paid them taxes ’fore we left,” Mrs. Rasmussen said.

  “Seein’ the apartment an’ how nice Katy’s got it fixed makes me want to go home an’ give the place a real good turnin’-out. New paint-job, inside an’ out. I ain’t planted bulbs for over a year; won’t have no flowers to speak of.”

  “Wish we could go tomorrow! I’m plain homesick,” Mrs. Rasmussen said.

  “Wish in one hand an’ spit in the other…see which one gets full first!” Mrs. Feeley said. “We could get on a bus an’ leave now, but it wouldn’t look right to Katy an’ Danny. They’d think we didn’t have a good time. Sure been good to us. For my part, after three days company an’ fish stink: throw ’em out!” She banged the table with her beer mug. “Three more,” she said to the waiter.

  “My limited wardrobe is getting a trifle monotonous,” Miss Tinkham said, “although
it was wise of Mrs. Rasmussen to suggest that we each bring only one small bag. I do wish I had my accordion-pleated white chiffon and my black horsehair hat for the races tomorrow!”

  “You’ll be lucky if you come back from ’em wearin’ your shirt!” Mrs. Feeley said.

  “Low-heeled shoes is good,” Mrs. Rasmussen said.

  “Even so,” Mrs. Feeley said, “my feet hurts all the time in New York. The sidewalks is softer in San Diego!”

  “There’s just one thing.” Mrs. Rasmussen pondered something carefully before speaking. “We’d oughta get some kind real nice handsome present for Katy an’ Danny.”

  “Now how in the name o’ God could we o’ went an’ forgot that?” Mrs. Feeley set her glass down with a thump that brought the waiter. “Might’s well save yourself a trip,” she grinned at him. “Got any ideas, Mrs. Rasmussen?”

  “I’m worryin’ about it serious,” she said. “It’s gotta be big, an’ it’s gotta be…well…”

  “Spectacular! Impressive! Worthy of those two magnificent people!” Miss Tinkham nodded so heartily that her long jade earrings got tangled in her rope of pearls.

  “I feel so small I could sit on a dime an’ my legs wouldn’t even hang over, not thinkin’ o’ that myself.” Mrs. Feeley turned her beer mug round and round in her plump little hands. “Let’s get somethin’ none o’ their friends got, even if it takes every cent we got! Let’s get what they’d want most: big or small.”

  “An’ we gotta get it now, ’fore the Navy comes an’ starts packin’ ’em up!” Mrs. Rasmussen said.

  “If we set aside the minimum for transportation, we might have a small margin left for investment, say…at the races, for example!” Miss Tinkham said.

  “Get a paper an’ pencil, Mrs. Rasmussen!” Mrs. Feeley spoke as though anything could be solved by making a list. “Add up how much we gotta keep out, then let’s put our minds on somethin’ really grand for the present!”

  Mrs. Rasmussen opened her capacious bag and the first thing she came upon was the card given her by the gray little man. She glanced at it and handed it to Miss Tinkham. She put up her glasses and read:

  GAYLORD FLINK

  EXPERT

  IN

  SAFES AND TIME VAULTS

  HOTEL ENTWISTLE 46 W. 44TH ST.

  NEW YORK CITY

  “Gawd!” Mrs. Feeley laughed, “as if he wasn’t sorry enough, he’s gotta go an’ have a name like that! Reckon he ain’t no convict if he has it right on his card.” She finished off her beer. “Musta had a egg in his beer, makin’ up to Mrs. Rasmussen like that!”

  “Poor boogers lonely,” Mrs. Rasmussen said.

  “We’ll send him a lovely postal card on the way home,” Miss Tinkham said. “We have his address and it will serve as a kind of apology.”

  “Order the beer,” Mrs. Feeley said, “an’ try to rankle your heads for a good idea about the present…I’m goin’ to shed a tear for Garfield!” She charged off to the front of the saloon where she had seen a door marked LADIES. A crowd was massed, leaning over each other craning their necks towards a screen at the end of the room. Mrs. Feeley stopped and looked too. A prize fight was going full tilt, the crowd grunting and dodging with the fighters.

  “Talkin’ movies?” she asked a man near her.

  “You from the sticks? That’s television.”

  “Hmmmmm.” Mrs. Feeley went on into the ladies’ room. When she came back the program had changed and a comedian, dragging his mother in at every line, was delivering jokes freighted with double meanings. For a moment she stood watching the tired, aging actor whip himself into a frenzy.

  “I b’lieve that guy’d be dirty if they give him a chance!” she said aloud. “I better go get Mrs. Rasmussen an’ Miss Tinkham!”

  The two were huddled over a paper.

  “Sure gonna be on short grass,” Mrs. Rasmussen said. “Even takin’ the bus, that’s the cheapest, we’ll just about sneak by. Don’t have much left for bettin’.”

  “Never mind about that now…bring your beer an’ come with me! I think we hit the jackpot!”

  Miss Tinkham scrambled to her feet and Mrs. Rasmussen plowed after her. The three nudged their way into the crowd. A talent scout was holding an audition on the screen, leering at the young women and ogling the boys.

  “Talking pictures in miniature!” Miss Tinkham whispered.

  “You from the sticks? That’s television,” Mrs. Feeley said. “Ain’t he the ugly booger? Got a face like a well-spanked bottom.”

  A young man began performing on four harmonicas, writhing and twisting like a basket of eels.

  “Just like vor-deville,” Mrs. Rasmussen said. “Me an’ Mister sure liked it.”

  “If it were only in technicolor!” Miss Tinkham sighed.

  “Won’t be long, if they ain’t got it already,” Mrs. Feeley explained. “This ain’t such a very high-class dump.”

  “The possibilities are unlimited,” Miss Tinkham said. Mrs. Rasmussen turned to Mrs. Feeley. “It’s sure swell, but we’d never be able to raise the money.” Her amber eyes snapped in a way that belied her words.

  “By God, for somethin’ fandangled like that, we gotta raise the money! The three of us will be to bury if we don’t!”

  Miss Tinkham made a few practice swishes with her thumb. “When all else fails,” she cried, “we can emulate the Knights of the Open Road…and hitch-hike!”

  A big blowsy woman turned around. “Go down to WPIX if you wanna get in the act!”

  Mrs. Feeley looked the woman over from head to foot: “Why don’t you go down yourself, with them skinny legs an’ that mouth like a plumber’s rubber-tool? Let’s go back to our own table an’ talk over buyin’ a television set—more than this trash can do, standin’ in bars, gawkin’ for free!” She hustled off to the back room like a baby tugboat.

  “Guess that put the local feists to flight!” she said over her shoulder. They were not following her. Mrs. Rasmussen and Miss Tinkham stood as if frozen.

  “The Creep!” Mrs. Feeley said. “Gawd, he sure ain’t no quitter!” He was walking slowly towards Mrs. Rasmussen, ignoring the existence of the other two. She walked backwards, reaching out for Miss Tinkham’s hand.

  “Don’t let him shatter your aplomb,” Miss Tinkham whispered, “There is safety in numbers.”

  Mrs. Feeley was standing in the middle of the bead portieres when the slow-moving group reached her. She eyed the little man closely. “Don’t stand there like a Stoughton bottle! Say somethin’!”

  “I’d like to buy you ladies a drink.”

  “That’s short an’ to the point,” Mrs. Feeley said. “Get the waiter.”

  “The classic opening gambit, Mr. Flink!” Miss Tinkham said.

  Mr. Flink blinked.

  “Ah yes! We read your card!”

  “Could I know…” he began.

  “We don’t tell our private affairs to nobody,” Mrs. Feeley said.

  “I just wanted to know her name,” he said looking at Mrs. Rasmussen.

  “We are what might be called sticklers for etiquette,” Miss Tinkham said. “In a large city, one can’t be too particular.”

  “Yeup. White slavers,” Mrs. Feeley said.

  The waiter came up with four beers and Mr. Flink produced a roll of bills that a hippopotamus would have had some difficulty in swallowing.

  “Is there anything due you besides this?” he asked the waiter.

  “Whee! Look at that ol’ bull-moth fly outa that roll!” Mrs. Feeley laughed.

  Mr. Flink looked offended but paid the entire tab.

  “Never have I been accused of being miserly. When I am with ladies I admire, I never allow them to treat.”

  Mrs. Feeley was not impressed.

  “How come you ain’t got more friends then? How come you’re tryin’ to pick us up all the time? Looks to me like you’d have to be beatin’ the bags off with a stick!”

  “Because I was raised up genteel, that’s why. I admire refined ladi
es—and alas, they are so few.”

  “Don’t see no harm in you buyin’ us a few beers an’ chattin’…long as you keep your manners about you an’ don’t try nothin’ on!”

  Mr. Flink produced his wallet.

  “I am a veteran of the First World War, a retired lock-expert from the largest factory of time-locks in the world, and a member in good standing of the Woodmen of the World.”

  Mrs. Rasmussen looked at Mr. Flink, then back at Mrs. Feeley. “Wouldn’t hardly be no sex-maniacs in the Woodmen o’ the World?” she queried.

  “Eminently respectable!” Miss Tinkham declared. “Almost as good as carrying an umbrella and a copy of the Atlantic Monthly.”

  “You’re in like Flynn!” Mrs. Feeley laughed.

  “Mrs. Feeley!” Miss Tinkham raised her lorgnette. “Are you sure you read all the details of that case?”

  “I’m talkin’ about the one that laid them pavin’ blocks. Say, Mr. Flink, do you know how much it costs to buy a television set?”

  “They start at around two hundred and fifty and run up into the thousands, Mrs….uh, Mrs….”

  “Feeley! Dammit! Feeley! Up to the thousands?”

  “Yes, Mrs. Feeley. But don’t be in a hurry. The price is coming down every day.”

  “We gotta buy one right away,” Mrs. Rasmussen said.

  “Nothing could be more ideal during those long winter evenings in Alaska! The house will be crowded with admiring and envious spectators.” Miss Tinkham could see the set in operation.

  “Alaska?” Mr. Flink squeaked. “You live as far away as Alaska?” He looked despairingly at Mrs. Rasmussen.

  “San Diego,” she said. “The set’s goin’ to Alaska.”

  “What about the reception?” he asked.

  “They ain’t havin’ no reception,” Mrs. Feeley said. “No parties up there. It’s for our niece an’ nephew’s own self. They’ll be tickled to death to get it.”

  “Lived in San Diego long, Mrs….ah…Mrs….?” he went back to Mrs. Rasmussen.

  “Mrs. Rasmussen. Erna Rasmussen,” Miss Tinkham slipped lightly over the formalities.

  “Lived there long, Mrs. Rat-mutton?”